The Four Barriers to Connection – The Double Curse of Knowledge

By Tasha M. Troy

John Maxwell says that “connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.”

If this is the case, it really makes sense for us to learn how to connect better in order to have greater influence with the people around us. Today I’m wrapping up a short series on the four barriers to connection.

 

The Barrier:

The fourth and final barrier is called the double curse of knowledge. Barrier number three was about when you are wrong; barrier number four is about when you are right.

Many times we are so familiar with our topic that everything seems obvious to us, but to people less familiar, there might be large gaps of understanding when we try to explain our ideas or our position.

In the book Real Influence, authors Mark Goulston and John Ullmen describe this barrier as “it isn’t just about them not getting you. It’s also about you not getting them” (p. 31).

They say “the best influencers… understand that the double curse of knowledge is in play in all of their interactions. These people realize that it’s all too easy to overestimate their own clarity when they’re communicating, and they are aware that they’re not always getting the full message when other people are trying to get through. It’s this knowledge that saves them from appearing arrogant and condescending when people just don’t get it.”

A Personal Story:

A few years ago, had a student who was extremely resistant to feedback, or even doing the assignments as they were assigned. For six months, the faculty struggled to connect with the student and to convince him to cooperate by doing the assignments as required.

Finally, during the last couple months of the program, I had him as my student in a writing class. Each week he was required to submit a short assignment on a specific topic, but week after week he submitted something completely different.

Finally it got to the point where he was in danger of failing not only my class but the entire eight month program.  I sat down with him to convince him to complete his assignments so that he could pass the class.  During our conversation, it came out that he was trying to prepare an article for publication, and he would really rather have feedback and editing on that particular article rather than on the assignments that he was required to complete.

Once I understood his perspective, what his priorities were, I was able to propose a solution that he found acceptable. After our meeting, he completed all of his assignments as expected and was able to complete the program successfully.

The Solution:

The solution to the double curse of knowledge is to keep aware of your audience, to do comprehension checks regularly, and to not make assumptions about their background knowledge.

In his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect, John Maxwell describes five connecting principles and five connecting practices.   One of the connecting practices is that connectors do the difficult work of keeping it simple. John Maxwell gives five ways connectors can do this:

• Talk to people, not above them
• Get to the point
• Say it over and over and over and over again
• Say it clearLy
• Say less

By using these five strategies, you can be more certain that your audience, whether it’s one person or many, is getting the message you intend to convey. In fact, I would venture that the larger your audience, the more important each of the strategies becomes.

 

Take It Deeper

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

 

“The Four Traps that Disconnect You” from Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen.  Read my review of Real Influence

The first barrier: The Fight or Flight Response

The second barrier: The Habit Handicap

The third barrier: Error Blindness

 

 

The Four Barriers to Connection – Error Blindness

By Tasha M. Troy

John Maxwell says that “connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.”

If this is the case, it really makes sense for us to learn how to connect better in order to have greater influence with the people around us. Today I’m continuing a short series on the four barriers to connection.

The Barrier:

Barrier number three is error blindness.

How does it feel to be wrong? This is the question posed by Kathryn Schulz in her TED Talk On Being Wrong.  Most people answer “bad,” “not good,” “embarrassing,” “uncomfortable.” However, Ms. Schulz points out that those are answers to a different question – what does it feel like to realize you are wrong?

It is extremely rare that someone is intentionally wrong!  Ms. Schulz emphasizes that being wrong feels like being right.  This is error blindness.

When we are wrong but think someone else “just isn’t getting it,” we will make one of three assumptions:

• the ignorance assumption – they just don’t understand so I have to explain it again;
• the idiocy assumption – they’re kind of stupid, so I have to explain it again; or
• the evil assumption – they get it, they’re just making life difficult for me.

Anytime we make these assumptions, whether we are in the right or not, it interferes with our ability to connect with the people we are interacting with.

A Personal Story:

I work hard to develop a connection with my students. I know that working with adults, if they don’t trust you, they won’t follow your instruction and therefore not succeed or grow to their potential.  I know I can’t please everyone, but for about 90% of my students I am able to connect with them.

One year I had a student who was very resistant to my feedback, very resistant to my teaching and coaching. Because I know I put a lot of effort into connecting with my students, I assumed the problem was on her end. I thought that maybe she just didn’t connect with my personality and teaching style.

However, through indirect methods, I learned that she had gotten the impression that I disliked her personally. When I heard this, I was shocked.  At that point, I had a choice, whether to believe what I was hearing and act on it or to continue assuming I was right.

Fortunately, I accepted the feedback and took deliberate steps to correct the misconception and to build a better relationship with that particular student. As a result, she became more open to feedback and coaching, and was able to complete the program successfully.

The Solution:

In order to escape from error blindness, we must seek to connect on common ground.

In his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect, John Maxwell describes five connecting principles and five connecting practices.  One of the practices is that connectors connect on common ground. He John Maxwell give several ways in which people can cultivate a mindset of common ground

• Availability – spend time with others
• Listening – understand the other’s perspective
• Questions – be interested in others
• Thoughtfulness – think of others and thank them
• Openness – let people in
• Likability – care about people
• Humility – think of yourself less to think of others more
• Adaptability – move from my world to theirs

As we practice these elements and establish a common ground, you’ll find that you are less likely to fall into error blindness because you’ll be open to other people’s ideas to begin with.

 

Take It Deeper

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

 

Kathryn Schulz: On Being Wrong

“The Four Traps that Disconnect You” from Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen.  Read my review of Real Influence

The first barrier: The Fight or Flight Response

The second barrier: The Habit Handicap

The fourth barrier: The Double Curse of Knowledge

 

 

The Four Barriers to Connection – The Habit Handicap

By Tasha M. Troy

John Maxwell says that “connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.”

If this is the case, it really makes sense for us to learn how to connect better in order to have greater influence with the people around us. Today I’m continuing a short series on the four barriers to connection.

The Barrier:

The second barrier is called the habit handicap. The first post in the series talked about the fight or flight response, which is a common response when we are under stress. If we don’t fall into the fight or flight response, we are very likely to fall into the habit handicap.

When we are deeply stressed we often go to our comfort zone, focusing on habits and behaviors that have worked for us in the past. Unfortunately, “our old patterns rarely fit our current circumstances” (Real Influence p. 22).

One of my favorite quotes by Einstein is his definition of insanity. He says insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

A Personal Story:

This habit is very easy to fall into. When I first started teaching, I worked with international students who were college aged and were preparing to study university courses in the United States. As a young teacher, I related to these students very well, and I learned very quickly how to connect with them.

When I first moved to South Korea to continue teaching English, I assumed that I knew how to connect with my students. However, my first year I was teaching children, not young adults. My focus on content and grammar did not go over so well, and I was not able to connect well with my students.

My second teaching position in South Korea was once again working with college-aged young adults, and I believed that I was back in my comfort zone. However, once again I failed to connect with my students because I assumed the students in Korea were the same as the students in the United States.  I learned the hard way that there are some key differences:

• Teaching a group of students who all speak the same language is quite different from teaching students from diverse national and language backgrounds.
• The Korean students have unique characteristics and shared experiences that have to be taken into consideration in the classroom, considerations that I was not aware of in the beginning.

By the time I moved to my third teaching position in South Korea, teaching business English to mid-career professionals, I had learned not to make assumptions, not to fall into the habits that I had developed in my first few years of teaching, and to focus instead on the needs and characteristics of my current students.

The Solution:

Anytime we want to break a habit, we have to put out the energy and the effort to make the necessary changes.

In his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect, John Maxwell describes five connecting principles and five connecting practices.  One of the connecting principles is that “connecting requires energy.”  He says that “connecting with other people doesn’t just happen on its own. If you want to connect with others, you must be intentional about it. And that always requires energy” (p. 72).

He goes on to describe five proactive ways to use energy in order to connect with others:

1. Connecting requires initiative
2. Connecting requires clarity
3. Connecting requires patience
4. Connecting requires selflessness
5. Connecting requires stamina

I have found each of these ways to use energy to be very important tools I can use to connect with my students and others in my life.

 

Take It Deeper

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

“The Four Traps that Disconnect You” from Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen.  Read my review of Real Influence

The first barrier: The Fight or Flight Response

The third barrier: Error Blindness

The fourth barrier: The Double Curse of Knowledge

The Four Barriers to Connection – The Fight or Flight Response

By Tasha M. Troy

John Maxwell says that “connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.”

If this is the case, it really makes sense for us to learn how to connect better in order to have greater influence with the people around us. Today I’m starting a short series on the four barriers to connection.

The Barrier:

The first barrier is the fight or flight response. Most of us are aware that when we are under stress our body reacts in very primitive ways. This is the fight or flight response: “you want to either escape from the people who are upsetting you or hurt them” (Real Influence p. 20).

When you’re under stress and you fall into the fight or flight, it becomes impossible to connect with the people you’re interacting with. As Dr. Goulston and Dr. Ullmen say, your nervous system “doesn’t know the difference between a tyrannosaurus and a tyrannical boss.”

A Personal Story:

I experienced this recently when I asked a friend for some feedback on a project that didn’t turn out as I had intended. This particular friend had watched me go through the process, and I thought he would have some great insights that would help me to do better on similar projects in the future.

When I got his feedback, however, I did not react so well. His initial observation wasn’t anything I was expecting, and I definitely went into the flight or fight response. As a result, I did great damage to our friendship, and even today it is still in the recovery phase.

As I have reflected on this particular situation, I have come to realize that I frequently respond to this particular friend in a fight or flight response, especially when we communicate by email. As a result, I have set myself a requirement that anytime he says or does something that upsets me, I will wait 48 hours before I respond. This way I give myself time to get out of the fight or flight mode and time to respond in a more rational, calm, and connective way.

The Solution:

The solution to breaking the fight or flight response is to focus on the other person’s feelings.

In his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect, John Maxwell describes five connecting principles and five connecting practices.  One of the five connecting principles is that “connecting is all about others.”  He lists three questions that people are always asking when they’re interacting with you:

1. Do you care for me?
2. Can you help me?
3. Can I trust you?

Stepping back and taking a moment to identify these three questions and how the other person might be trying to answer them can help you break out of the fight or flight cycle.

 

Take It Deeper

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

 

 

“The Four Traps that Disconnect You” from Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen.  Read my review of Real Influence

The second barrier: The Habit Handicap

The third barrier: Error Blindness

The fourth barrier: The Double Curse of Knowledge

Intentional Connection – A Path to Influence

By Tasha M. Troy

A few years ago, I had great difficulty in managing my class.  There were two students in particular who were very resistant to my instruction and feedback, and I found myself growing more and more frustrated working with them. 

Finally, at one point, through indirect channels, I learned that both students had gotten the impression that didn’t like them on a personal level, and this perception undermined any influence I might have had with them.

In order to create successful outcomes for them and for me, I had to put forth great effort to connect with them individually.  This included apologizing for giving the impression – intentional or not – that I didn’t value them as individuals.  It also entailed listening to their perspectives and understanding where they were coming from.  Further, I had to be quite explicit in stating what I saw as their strengths and their bright future prospects.  Because of my efforts and their responsiveness, both were able to successfully complete the program and go on to further personal and professional accomplishments.

I have the great fortune to teach in a program with small class sizes, typically working with ten students at a time.  Of those ten, eight or nine will be naturally drawn to my personality and teaching style.  John Maxwell’s Law of Magnetism states that “who you are is who you attract.”  This creates a connection with most of my students without much effort on my part.

Of course, over the years I have also learned to do a few things to encourage this connection, especially talking about what I consider “parallel experiences”; while I may not relate to each student’s situation, from day one, I emphasize stories of my own language learning and overseas life experience, things I share in common with all of my students.

However, what about those who don’t naturally connect?

I am learning to be more intentional about meeting those students where they are – understanding their perspective and motivations, their goals and aspirations.  In past years, I would do this as a response to a crisis.  Sometimes I find students don’t relate to my personality, and other times they have different leadership experience and skills that make them resistant to my feedback.

Whatever the reason for the disconnect, as the instructor, and therefore leader, I have to be intentional about connecting with all students.  I do this by focusing on the student and his/ her goals as well as explicitly expressing what I see as his/her strengths.  I also paint a picture for each of my students of what I see them achieving.

If you feel like you don’t have the influence in your life that you need, it may be time to learn to connect at a higher level.  This has been the case for me.  I have found the connecting principles and practices described by John Maxwell in his book Everyone Communicates Few Connect to be powerful tools for connecting with not only my students but also with others in my life.

John Maxwell says that “connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increase your influence with them.”  Next week, I will start leading a “mastermind group”* through this book with the aim of helping people grow in their connecting skills.  I would love to include you in the group!

Take It Deeper

If you would like to go deeper on this topic, I hold free exploratory coaching sessions on Fridays.  You can register online at Troy Communications or email me to schedule an appointment at TMTroy@TroyCommunications.Net

 

A Connective Approach to Influence

In my years of teaching, I have learned some hard lessons in effective leadership, especially when many of my students are strong leaders in their own right.  This week I want to share some of my insights, one of the key lessons I’ve learned that has really helped me to be more effective.

You can learn more of my thoughts on The Power of Connective Listening from a previous article.

You can read about some of my specific experiences with connecting with students in my articles on The Power of Gentleness, Persuasion through Selflessness, and A Well Connected Life.

Building Trust: The Linchpin of Influence

A few years ago, I lost the trust of my students. 

I had made a few bad decisions, and about two-thirds through the program the situation reached a crisis point.  I had to make great efforts (and to humble myself) in order to sufficiently regain their trust so that I could coach them through their final projects.

When I lost their trust, their success was jeopardized.

Trust is the linchpin of relationships and the one element that makes lasting connected influence possible.  Professor Stuart Diamond, in his book Getting More, says, “Trust is something that develops slowly, over time.  It is an emotional commitment to one another based on mutual respect, ethics, and good feeling.”  Trust is a characteristic of relationships that are in it for the long haul, whether they are interpersonal, professional, or communal relationships.

Starting from Scratch

How can you build trust to begin with? First, understand that building trust will not happen quickly.  While some people are naturally trusting, most people living in the modern world are a bit skeptical of anyone they’ve not known very long.

Next, I think the focus should be to establish a personal connection to the person or group you are wanting to build trust with.  In so doing, you have the opportunity to build a track record of keeping the other person’s interests in mind when interacting.

In describing the Law of Connection from The 21 Laws of Leadership, John Maxwell says that “the heart comes before the head.” You must first show that you are truly interested in the person and what is important to that person.  This can best be accomplished through connected listening.

Establishing a connection will get you an opportunity; character will take you the rest of the way.

In addition to building connections with people, you must also demonstrate a strong moral character in order to gain and maintain trust with people.  John Maxwell sees character as the foundation for trust; he says that “character makes trust possible” by demonstrating consistency of results, releasing the potential of others, and earning the respect of others.

The importance of character is so great that I will have to address it more fully in a later post.

Repairing the Breach

How can you recover once trust has been lost?  This is much more difficult, but it is possible.  The first step is to admit your mistakes.  Everyone knows you made a mistake, so you lose nothing from owning it, and you gain credibility when you do.  It does require a bit of humility, but if you can get past your pride, you may find yourself with a second chance.

John Maxwell compares trust to change in your pocket – good decisions increase the change in your pocket, while bad decisions decrease the change in your pocket.  As long as you have some change (i.e. trust) remaining, you can likely recover.  The consistency, potential, and respect that are reflected in your character must shine through if you are to regain lost trust.

 

I learned a hard lesson a few years ago when I lost and later regained the trust of my students.  As a result, in the past few years I have been more intentional about connecting with my students and guarding the trust I have with them in order to more effectively guide them into becoming better communicators themselves.  My efforts have been rewarded by seeing them exceed my expectations and achieve both personal and professional success.

 

Links and Resources:

An article from Success Magazine on building trust

What Does It Take to Pursue a Dream? Consulting Experts

I love Disney’s take on Rupunzel. One of my favorite scenes is when she finds herself in a seedy tavern and soon has all the hardened outlaws singing about their dreams.

Do you have a dream?

I believe our ability to dream and plan for the future is a uniquely human characteristic. Sadly, so many people never pursue their dreams, and even fewer achieve them. In his book Put Your Dream to the Test, John Maxwell describes five barriers that prevent people from pursuing their dreams:

• Some people have been discouraged from dreaming by others
• Some people are hindered by past disappointments and hurts
• Some people get in the habit of settling for average
• Some people lack the confidence needed to pursue their dreams
• Some people lack the imagination to dream.

Have you fallen prey to any of these dream killers?

Even when people get started, they often get derailed by obstacles and setbacks. In his book Think and Get Rich, Napoleon Hills says, “One of the most common causes of failure is the habit of quitting when one is overtaken by temporary defeat.”

The antidote can be found in the Stockdale Paradox, which is described by Jim Collins in his book Good to Great. The Stockdale Paradox is an approach to adversity that the best companies embrace enabling them to manage the tension between what could be and what is. He says, “You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end and you must also confront the most brutal facts of your current reality.” It is the balance between faith and fact that enables the dreamers to succeed.

It seems to me that most people overemphasize one over the other, either faith or fact. If they can visualize their goals and imagine themselves achieving their intended purpose, they often fail to take stock of where they are now and what obstacles they might encounter. If they have a clear picture of where they are today, they often lack the vision to see a path towards that for which they hope and dream.

We must find that balance that Collins talks about; we must have a clear picture of our origination point as well as an equally clear picture of our intended destination.

Links and Resources

Did you miss a personal story of how I pursued my dream of living and working overseas?  You can find it here.  If you don’t want to miss a Biblical perspective of this topic, be sure to subscribe for email delivery! Or check back on Thursday.

John Maxwell describes writing Put Your Dream to the Test

A short article from Business Insider on Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich

Jim Collins describes the Stockade Paradox

And just for fun:

A Key to a Culturally Relevant Church

As someone who has spent most of her career teaching in short-term, intensive language programs, I have worked with many different classes, and I have found that each class has its own personality. Most groups are simply a collection of individuals largely focused on their own individual goals; however, occasionally the class comes together and forms a dynamic and supportive learning community. As the instructor, I do what I can to encourage the development of a community, but it also depends heavily on the personalities in the class.

I have seen the same patterns in Christian organizations and church groups. In some churches, people simply interact at Sunday service but have little or no contact during the week, while in other churches, the members create strong bonds of friendship, frequently meeting for dinner during the week and sometimes becoming roommates.

It is not always clear to me what makes one group of individuals come together and what prevents another group. However, David Logan’s TED Talk has given me some tools to start exploring this issue. He discusses group behavior from a “tribal” perspective, defining “tribes” as smaller groups of 20 to 150 people.

Based on organizational research that focused on observable language and behavior, his book Tribal Leadership, co-authored with John King and Halee Fischer-Wright, identifies five stages of “tribal” culture based on the language used and the actions taken by members of the “tribe” (the following labels are my own):

Stage 1: Survival Mode.  People in a stage 1 culture have a sense of hopelessness and despair and will do anything it takes to survive, even if it means resorting to violence. David Logan says that this is the culture of gangs and of prisons; about 2% of organizations are in this stage.

Stage 2: Victim Mentality.  While people in stage 2 cultures have moved beyond mere survival, they still have little or no hope for their circumstances to improve, leading to very negative attitudes. I believe most people in such cultures have simply given up and are going through the motions. About one quarter of organizations are at this stage.

While I have seen individual students in these stages, it is rare for an entire class or church group to be here. However, the next stage is very common.

Stage 3: WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?). At this point, people have moved beyond hopelessness and helplessness and see the value of putting in an effort. However, at this stage, it is all about personal advancement, even at the expense of peers and colleagues. Nearly half of all organizations are at this stage.

At this stage, I can see the importance of the role of attitude, that intangible quality of people that influences their thoughts and behaviors. John Maxwell, in his book Attitude 101, lists the signs of a bad attitude, which I believe make a very good description of someone in a stage 3 culture:

• inability to admit wrongdoing
• failing to forgive
• petty jealousy
• the “disease of me”
• a critical spirit
• a desire to hog all the credit

Stage 4: Group Cohesion. At this stage, people begin bonding over shared values. It could be as lofty as a shared mission (end human trafficking like the organization A21) or as quirky as a personality trait (be a little weird like the company Zappos). Because of the shared values and vision, people form bonds and are willing to collaborate and cooperate to meet their goals; 22% of organizations reach this stage.

Stage 5: The “Mountaintop.” At this stage of culture, the group no longer forms around a limited goal while comparing themselves to other groups; they are now ready to take on global transformation and compare themselves to what is possible. Only 2% of organizations reach this stage.

In these last two stages, we see healthy relationships being formed, whether within the group or beyond the group. In his book Relationships 101, John Maxwell lists five characteristics of solid relationships. While his focus was primarily on one-on-one relationships, I believe these characteristics can be applied to group cultures as well.

• Respect
• Shared experiences
• Trust
• Reciprocity
• Mutual enjoyment

I would argue that Christians are called to develop Stage 5 cultures, and I believe the early church had a stage 5 culture based on solid relationships. The Book of Acts recounts how the first disciples of Christ formed a community that changed not only the individuals within that community but eventually the entire world.

• They frequently “broke bread” and prayed together (Acts 2:42, 46-47).
• They shared everything in common and trusted each other (Acts 4:32-36).
• They bonded through the persecution of the Jewish leadership (Acts 5:41).
• They worked together to solve community problems (Acts 6:1-7).

As I learned about the concepts in Tribal Leadership, I was not surprised that the majority of organizations have “me-centric” stage 3 cultures. This is the pervasive characteristic of modern American culture, one I believe needs to change. Christians are meant to be known by their unity, but Christianity in the United States today is too often characterized by bitter divisions and self-righteous criticism. If the American church is going to have an impact on the surrounding culture, we must develop a Stage 5 “tribe,” first within individual churches and then among the churches of America and beyond.

 

Links and Resources:

David Logan’s TED Talk Tribal Leadership 

Book review of Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization

Minute with Maxwell: Relationships

31 Bible Verses about Relationships

Minute with Maxwell: Attitude

35 Bible Verses about Attitude

 

To Live A Well-Connected Life

My first year teaching in S. Korea was challenging in several ways. Not only did I have to adapt to a new culture and language environment, but I also had to adapt to a new student population. I had previously taught college-age international students in my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri, but that first year in Korea I found myself teaching classes to elementary school students.

St. Louis Botanical Garden

On top of that, for most of my classes, the mothers of my students sat along the walls of the classroom observing the class. I did the best I could to deliver lessons that were full of content and language practice, but in the end students started leaving my classes because they were bored. In fact, my first teaching contract was not renewed for a second year, primarily because I failed to connect with my students.

As a young and fairly inexperienced teacher, my focus was on the content of my lessons. However, I needed to understand the specific needs and wants of the individual students in my class. For my elementary students, this was their need to have fun and play as well as learn English. By the time I moved to my third teaching position in Korea, working with mid-level managers in an international corporation, I finally began to understand the needs of my students well enough to connect with them in ways that led to their success and mine.

Until I learned to take the students’ perspectives into consideration, I was unable to connect with my students in ways that encouraged them to engage in the lessons I prepared. In their book Real Influence, John Ullmen and Mark Goulston identify a primary cause of disconnection as the “blind spot” in our brains. Because we naturally approach any issue from our own perspective, we fail to consider other perspectives, which creates a mental “blind spot.” They further describe four traps most people fall into when it comes to connecting and influencing others:

1. the fight or flight response – “your nervous system … doesn’t know the difference between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and an tyrannical boss” leading you to either respond aggressively (fight) or avoid the situation (flight)
2. the habit handicap – when stressed or challenged, we resort to our “comfort zone” of behaviors that have worked in the past, but which may not be best in the current circumstances
3. error blindness – being wrong feels just like being right, and it isn’t until we realize our error that we can correct it
4. the double curse of knowledge – even when you are right, you may find it difficult to explain what you find obvious to a less knowledgeable person.

I think I experienced all four when I moved to Korea!

Through trial and error I eventually learned how to connect with my students. However, I now recognize that John Maxwell has summed up these strategies of how to connect with others in his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership:

1. Connect with yourself – know who you are and be confident in your skills and abilities
2. Know your audience – learn the goals, hopes, and dreams of the people you are working with
3. Go to where they are – meet people in their circumstances, or as Ullmen and Goulston say, in “their there”
4. Communicate with openness and sincerity – being transparent is essential to creating a connection
5. Offer direction and hope – present the positive and optimistic view; there are enough negative voices in the world
6. Live your message – practice what you preach and you can build credibility
7. Focus on them, not yourself – show people you care about them and their circumstances
8. Believe in them – encourage and support people, even at their lowest.

These guidelines have become the backbone of my teaching style.

Many of the Old Testament prophets failed to connect with the people of Israel and Judah, in part due to the nature of their messages of repentance, messages the people simply weren’t interested in hearing. However, a notable exception is Daniel who practiced connected influence as an advisor to the kings of Babylon and Persia.

1.  Connect with yourself – Daniel had such a clear view of himself that he asked for an exception when given “the king’s delicacies” (Daniel 1:5, 8-16).
2. Know your audience – when Daniel first approached the chief eunuch about his diet, he demonstrated a concern for the man’s predicament (Daniel 1:8-10).
3. Go to where they are – Daniel suggested a 10-day trial of a vegetable diet to limit the risk to the chief eunuch (Daniel 1:12).
4. Communicate with openness and sincerity – when Daniel came before Nebuchadnezzar to interpret his dream, he was clear that he didn’t have the interpretation because he was wiser than any other but because God had revealed it to him (Daniel 2:27-30).
5. Offer direction and hope – when Daniel gave a negative interpretation for one of Nebuchadnezzar’s dreams, he also gave counsel for how the king could avoid the coming personal disaster (Daniel 4:19-27).
6. Live your message – when the lower government officials tried to discredit Daniel, they couldn’t find any opening to accuse him of wrongdoing (Daniel 6:4).
7. Focus on them, not yourself – Daniel humbly served those set above him as well as those under his authority (Daniel 1:8-13; 2:14-18, 24-30, 49; 4:19, 27; 5:17; 6:1-3).
8. Believe in them – Daniel consistently encouraged the best in the kings he served (Daniel 2:37-38; 4:19, 27; 6:21)

Connecting with others is an important step towards developing a sphere of influence. Daniel exerted a gentle influence upon the pagan kings of Babylon and Persia by connecting with the rulers of those countries. We, too, can exert a similar influence upon those in our sphere of influence if we follow his example and truly begin to connect with those around us.

 

Resources and Links

Interview with John C. Maxwell on the 700 Club talking about the Laws of Leadership

Communication Fundamentals course on Lynda.com, taught by John Ullmen

Website for Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In

Series of blog posts by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen based on the concepts in Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In

Sunday message by Pastor Jeff Abyad on the life of Daniel: Thriving in Captivity