Have you ever felt like you just haven’t connected with someone and wondered why? I recently experienced a serious disconnect with a friend.She was explaining something that she was very interested in, going into great detail about how her solution would benefit me, too. However, while her solution is perfect for her and her season of life, it is totally unsuitable for my situation. I chose to let her talk instead of cutting her short, primarily because I wanted to let her express her enthusiasm. The sad result, though, was feeling a major disconnect from my friend, which is likely to damage my willingness to be open with her unless I take some deliberate steps to change the situation.
She did not meet me in “my here” when she was trying to influence me.
The third step in the connected influence model is to meet the other person in “their there.” This step must come after connected listening; because you now understand the other person’s perspective, you can start there and take them on a journey to help them see your perspective.
To define “their there,” Mark Goulston and John Ullmen talk about the “three gets of engage”:
- You get “it” – you have taken the time to truly understand their perspective and their unique situation.
- You get “them” – you see them for who they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses, hopes and struggles.
- You get their path to progress – you understand the steps they can take to move in the direction of their goals, taking into consideration their values and concerns.
To go back to my situation with my friend, it was clear after just a few minutes that she didn’t get “it” – she did not understand my situation and my priorities. Even though she gets “me,” without “it” she can’t get my path to progress.
In order for our friendship to move forward, I will have to have a conversation with her when we are not rushed for time. I will have to meet her in “her there” by digging deeper into her situation, then step-by-step I may be able to help her see my perspective more clearly. If she is ready for that small journey, then perhaps we will still be able to have an open friendship.
Links and Resources:
Previous posts on this topic
- Book Review of Real Influence: Persuade without Pushing and Gain without Giving In
- “Your Here” and “Their There”
- The Power of Connective Listening